How can I support someone with BPD?

Being close to someone with BPD is never going to be easy.  There will be times when you feel emotionally exhausted, so here as some strategies to help you and the person suffering.

Do not constantly repeat yourself when a sufferer asks for reassurance.  But also do provide some kind of way to help the sufferer to feel secure.  For example, develop some simple ways that don’t take too much thinking of.  Say something once; when the sufferer wants you to reassure them, you could simply say “remember what I said.”  This way you are providing the safety they need but without having to repeat constantly what you said in the first place.  It can be more stressful to keep repeating yourself, and if you change your wording then it could result in making the situation worse.

If you want to say something of deep emotion to someone with BPD then think it through carefully.  For example, if you want to say “I love you,” take the time to think whether you really mean it before saying it.  You must be consistent with your feelings towards a BPD sufferer.

Express your feelings in a constructive way.  If you feel upset with the sufferer’s behaviour, then don’t be afraid to tell them.  Remove yourself from the situation and then later tell them in a calm manner how you feel.  Give them the chance to explain themselves as what they could be feeling may not be what you have perceived.  Often people with BPD are completely misunderstood.

If the sufferer is becoming very distressed then at times it may be better to leave the situation until they calm down.  This isn't always the case, if what is stressing them is nothing you have done then it maybe worth talking with them and helping them over come the black and white thinking.

Give yourself time to relax alone.  It’s very important to have some time to reflect and to think of yourself, other friends or family.

Communication is very important.  Do not leave anything unsaid, as this can lead to misconceptions on the sufferer’s part.  Set aside some time to spend with the sufferer to talk in-depth.  Try to understand their feelings and remember they could feel misunderstood.

Always be willing to compromise.  This can make everyone around satisfied in some way but do not give in completely.  If you don't want to do something, then don't but find a way to compromise in some way.  If you give in to the sufferers demand then it could lead to unwanted situations and emotions, such as resentment on your part.  But remember, if the sufferer is upset, they are not trying to manipulate you, it's just they are feeling hurt and they need to express that.

Be consistent as much as possible.  Do not change your general behaviour or attitude towards the sufferer unless it's in a positive way.  It is easier said then done, and can at times be unavoidable.

Most importantly, remember this person may have these emotional problems but they are still a warm human being.  They have interests, hobbies, and their own personality.  It's just they can be hurt much easier then most people.  They can still love and be a good friend.